The hardest part so far.

Quitting smoking.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Why does this have to be so hard? I know I'm addicted and all that, yadda yadda. This sucks so much. I'll do okay for 6 hours and then holy crap the want comes on like I'm Augustus Gloop in the Chocolate Factory. Trying to ignore it is nearly impossible. Chuck is doing his best, especially since he doesn't *have* to quit, and when he's home with me it's easiest. I'm on very strict rations. But when I get to work it's like I'm a secret agent and I try to sneak cigarettes from my co-workers. "I've only had two today, c'mon!" And then after I eat I could go mad with wanting one. I've been smoking after I eat for a decade! It's such a hard habit to break!!

I know it's bad for the baby and I berate myself constantly for doing it. I know I have to kick this but fucking hell it's hard. Today I'm going for only 3. I'm hoping the Powers That Be are willing to help out today.

-Sarah

Hello life-changing news!

I found out three days ago that I was (give or take a day or so) 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. This is an un-planned pregnancy and we weren't sure whether or not we were going to keep the baby. Obviously as I've started this blog, we have decided to keep it.

My first thoughts upon finding out? Holy shit, holy shit, seriously? Me? And there was a bit of banging my head against the wall with suprisingly little tears. Then, 'how do I tell my significant other?'. We'll call him "Chuck". Luckily it so happened that two days before I took the test, Chuck and I were talking and it came out that we had both been worried about my being pregnant for a few weeks. So at least the subject had already been brought up in conversation. During our talk, Chuck said something along the lines of, "Maybe if we joke about it enough it won't be true." Fast-forward to the next day and I just can't wait any longer to find out one way or the other. I get a co-worker to run down to Walgreens and get me a test, which was really her idea in the first place. Outcome obviously positive.

After work, Chuck and I meet up at a friends house and while she is in the other room I decided to just go for it. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I guess we didn't joke hard enough." He looked at me for a second and then his eyes got really big and he said, "Really? You're sure?" After I nodded and teared up a bit, he squeezed my hand and kissed my head. He took it a bit better than I did.

The next day a friend took me to Planned Parenthood and we confirmed it. It was really kind of odd in the waiting room, as my friend and I were the only ones laughing or having any kind of remote fun. I've noticed this about my friends, that we can have fun pretty much no matter what the situation is, and I'm glad for it for sure in this case.

So now, two days after the confirmation that I am pregnant, this is me in a nutshell.

25 years old living with my significant other/fiancee of 3 1/2 years and our roommate.

Trying really, really, hard to stop smoking.

Recent non-drinker.

Working in a job I hate, but now cannot leave because they actually pay me decently.

In need of a place to live for just us that we can afford.

Without a drivers license, or a car in a town where that is not feasible with a baby.

Wondering what I will have to do about my cats.

Lucky enough to have avoided morning sickness for now.

Not sure when I'm going to tell everyone. Should I wait until after the first trimester is done?

Needing to make a doctors appointment.

A bit scared, healthily so.

My boobs hurt, a lot.

-"Sarah"